Hope Nwakwesi – I started having an embarrassing number of suitors at age 15.

The founder of Almanah Hope Foundation, Hope Nwakwesi, a non-profit organization championing the rights and welfare of widows in Nigeria. Said in an interview by Eric Dumo of how she overcame the pains of losing her husband and became a strong voice for women.

How would you describe your childhood?

I had a traditional childhood of most Christian homes, though balancing the ideal expectations of my parents with my extrovert personality was always in conflict. But the culture of respect and moral and communal parenting we had then and the dignity of family pedigree kept everything in check.

What ambition did you nurse at that period of your life and what informed it?

Frankly, I had no concrete ambition. The only one I remember was wanting to be a lawyer because I had a strong desire to help people especially the weaker ones.

I grew up knowing that some are stronger either physically, socially and or emotionally. I have known from early stage that I have a resilience that even pain and tears can’t drown or wash away. I don’t know why, maybe because I am the first child, I don’t mind taking it for any other, especially a weaker one.

Did you face any sort of deprivation while growing up?

I sure did. I had more comfort than my siblings within the capability of my public servant father. I will continue to respect, love and cherish it for life.

What are some of the unique or unforgettable memories from your childhood that you still hold dear today?

Life was good, children were communal adult responsibility. Neighbors were families and the act of witchcraft not celebrated as it is today. Friends were genuine and competition was not rivalry. Character and integrity were the best currency.

What schools did you attend and are there fond memories of those experiences?

I was a traveling pupil and student. By age two, I started “ota akara” now the pre-school in my home town, Nnobi Idemili South in Anambra. From there, my primary and secondary education took me to different places, including Boston in the United States. Immediately after my secondary school, I got married.

What was your favorite pastime in your school days, especially in the university?

Well, in my secondary school days, my pastime was reading novels while in my tertiary school, my favorite pastime was pursuing a double certificate.

I was an early developed child and my culture of catching them “fresh from the farm” didn’t give me space either. By age 15, I’d started having an embarrassing number of suitors. Immediately after my secondary school, with pass in English language, my dream to enter University of Nigeria, Nsukka, was terminated.

I took the next option, which was to choose among my prospective suitors. My late husband, apart from being an intelligent and nice gentle officer, was also a great investigator as he monitored my movement down till he won. In his brief transfer to my home town, he made me his wife and a mother before sending me back to school.

How were you able to balance social and academic life?

My social life in school was not much as motherhood occupied me. By age 18, I was already a mother and schooling.

At what point did you first have a relationship?

Well, growing in my time, kids weren’t as exposed as they are today. There were high moral standards; even the boys had high discipline as they too were not easy to unzip. Family names were respected, parenting was communal and as such, you didn’t want to be cut unaware.

The greatest teenage romance for us them was in Mills and Boon, Denise Robin, James Hadley Chase novels while our most practical experiences were love letters and inter-house competitions and extra-mural class interactions.

At what point did you meet your late husband?

After my West African Certificate Examination in May/June 1983, I went to visit an aunt briefly in Lagos. On going back to the East, I stopped by my village to see my parents enroute to Enugu. I met a locked gate as expected because my family had gone to Sunday evening service. While standing there, I noticed a peeping eye by the window, laughing; as my husband’s house was right in front of our gate. That eye became my husband three months later. I realised he fell in love with my parents. On enquiry, my family members who were his friends had told him a lot about me. I sure did have the best 10 years of marriage.

Until he passed on, what lessons would you say being married to him taught you?

Being married to him taught me to continue with my independent traits; that a dignified person comes in trait and character which, even as police officers, you can have. One doesn’t have to be an extortionist. That you should not depend on salary only for your income, you can trade, farm or possess any skill; that family is everything and love is a verb, an action word, not a noun. It taught me that hard work is a value-added principle to life.

Have you received the type of support and love you expected from people around you after his demise?

Hmmmm, well yes and no. But in all,  in the acknowledgement page of my book, ‘A widow’s window,’ I said,  “To all my friends and families, religious and social, I say thanks; you have either given me joy as a lubricant or strength as an Armour in all your treatments.”

Was it your experience that pushed you to become an advocate for widows in Nigeria?

Yes, I had a hell load of experiences, starting with my late husband’s work place which incidentally was my own workplace. One month after his burial, I came back to a notice of eviction being pasted on my house. Two months later, I came to the school where I was teaching and saw my suspension letter pasted on the notice board for public consumption without any prior warnings, queries of gross misconduct. In three months of my life, I went from a working class wife and a mother of four to a homeless widowed, jobless mother of four kids. My life took a dramatic turn; from family, the society, including the church. There were so many abuses and exploitations which not even my book could accommodate; they almost drowned me but for the grace of God.

Do you think as a society, we are doing enough to empower and protect women, especially widows?

No! The issues of gender have remained a social problem with widowhood at the apex. There are more rhetoric than action. I stand to be corrected, just like widowhood, women empowerment and gender issues are more a tool for political propaganda and philanthropic grandiosity.

What has been your experience with men since you became a widow?

 Your assumption is not too far from the truth. Just for a modification, I will say most are beasts, some are beauty. But it’s so insulting when you walk up to a guy with a proposal and the only thing he sees as your capability is your womanhood. It is even bad as others feel that’s why you came. This is the greatest area of abuse and exploitation in this journey.

Are you considering re-marrying or you are yet to make up your mind in that regard?

If I have not made up my mind at this age, something is definitely wrong. I have not just made up my mind, I am also working and praying for other young widows to do same. For young widows, mourn your late husband with reverence but don’t fall to the trap most older widows are fighting to pull out from in terms of culture. This is the number one issue my foundation, Almanah Hope Foundation, is addressing. Loneliness can be very depressing. Like the bible says, it is not good for man to be alone and I add talk less of one who has tasted togetherness. It is not just for the adult business of the bedroom, it is companionship. Kids will grow out and move out of the home; staying home alone is a disaster.

The love of a man cannot be replaced by that of a son; they have two separate channels to run in a woman’s vein with none superseding the other, rather they are absolutely complimentary.

 

How do you find the time to relax? 

I have learnt to walk, wine, dine or dance with friends or self.

 Are weekends also work periods for you or a time to unwind and relax?

To be frank, I’m gradually retiring from rigorous work and lifestyle as I’m transferring it physically and prayerfully to my children. For almost four out of my five decades of existence, I have lived a tight, regimented life. Today, my desire is as I continue to make income, I want to make impact. I spend my Saturday night with a family talk show on radio.

Where is your favorite holiday destination?

Those days, Abuja used to be my escape town to relax and unwind but today, though I go to one country or the other, I can’t point to one. But henceforth apart from my village, I plan to seek a holiday spot starting 2019 by His grace.

How much of a fashionable person are you?

Not too fashionable as I dress in what I feel comfortable in; I am not too interested in what is in vogue or class.

What is that one dream that you are still pursuing in your life?

In my contentment, my greatest dream, desire and even fear was getting my kids educated and responsible. I’m not in a mission to acquire properties for them, I have blown the whistle for them in the track of life, to pursue and I pray and believe in Jesus they will overtake. So in that, I have got a greater percentage of my needs satisfied to the glory of God. I want to serve, mentor and impact lives. One thing I want to do is to help widows.

Some people see money as the ultimate in life, for you, how do you relate with money?

Money is great but not to be one’s  master. The greatest gift of life is in Philippians 4:7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding. If you have this, you will not only walk freely unlike our rich citizens especially politicians who even in their bullet proof cars, cannot go to the toilet without an escort. And Jesus Christ  is the giver of this peace, not church.